Monday, November 9, 2009
Modeled Poem w/ P.B.Shelley
Original - "One Word is Too Often Profaned" by Percy Shelley
One word is too often profaned
For me to profane it;
One feeling too falsely disdained
For thee to disdain it;
One hope is too like despair
For prudence to smother;
And pity from thee more dear
Than that from another.
I can give not what men call love;
But wilt thou accept not
The worship the heart lifts above
And the heavens reject not, -
The desire of the moth for the star,
Of the night for the morrow,
The devotion to something afar
From the sphere of our sorrow?
Modeled Poem - "That Which Cannot be Labeled" by Molly Harrell
I dare not say I love you today,
or on any day, forever,
for that wouldn't be true.
No, not for you.
It's not enough, this label of
Love.
It's not enough to describe
what wrestles and writhes
within and above.
Me for You, I will achieve
all that they say you cannot conceive of.
The song in my eyes for your birth, anew,
will that be enough? Might you feel my soul too?
There is no reason to profane our torturous Glory,
so instead, please, fall into my unending devotion;
True, sinking, a perfect story.
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Great remodeling of Shelley's poem! Both yours and his put into question how we "read" the nouns that might define us, our relationships, our sense of self. What I found a curious (in a good way) contrast b/w the two poems was how Shelley maintains a fair distance with his narrator, while your narrator is clearly (or, at least, as I read it) speaking to another. While Shelley certainly includes a "thou," this thou remains largely undefined, as if speaking to one or many or all. Your "you," however, seems to read differently--as if your intended audience would know who "you" are (meaning both narrator and audience). So I enjoy the doubling of your "you," as it conflates with the "me," whereas Shelley--in "Alastor" fashion (like "Manfred")--retains an unidentified singularity and solitude. For you there is "a perfect story," reachable together, whereas Shelley "can give not" of the "word," and thus retains perhaps an unproductive aloofness. Nice work!
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