(...but I have just taken to the runway, excuse my anorexia)
To Night
Charlotte Smith
I love thee, mournful, sober-suited Night!
When the faint moon, yet lingers in her wane,
And veil'd in clouds, with pale uncertain light
Hangs o'er the waters of the restless main.
In deep depression sunk, the enfeebled mind
Will to the deaf cold elements complain,
And tell the embosom'd grief, however vain,
To sullen surges and the viewless wind.
Though no response on thy dark breast I find,
For in thy quiet gloom the exhausted heart
Is calm, though wretched; hopeless, yet resign'd.
While to the winds and waves its sorrows given,
May reach--though lost on earth--the ear of Heaven.
To Music
mary colleen halley
You haunt me with your contrary note.
I, sitting silent in this conversation of love,
Enfeebled by the dissonant features I rote
Who's poignant melodies I can not be free of.
For Music, as I love, I beseech thee
My affection is undoubtedly pure, still I am doubly disabl'd.
I listen, adore, yearn, yet quiet as the sea.
The melancholy musicians voice is thwarted, table'd.
Still in you, though mournfully I can not respond
My muted woe of daylight wanes
I am lifted and my sullen winter tree is Donne'd
with refreshing epistles of melodic spring rains.
Refracted, you are both my night and day
My prayer sent to heaven is that one day I may play.
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That your poem, "To Music," begins with a "contrary note," intrigues me. I know you had spoken about how you've been trying to come to terms with your music, your musicianship... so I wonder if this isn't the most telling phrases (both b/c of what it suggests and its placement as an introduction). Moreover, dissonance comes up again (ln 3) and leads to your admittance of being "doubly disabl'd" (ln 6). But what exactly is the doubleness of this disability? The poem works well as an annunciation of your desire to "play," so the lyric is not at issue. Or, is it that the disability extends beyond the actual playing to encompass the ability to recognize your own greatness? Intriguing poem! (One which I can also read as a kind of incantation.)
ReplyDeleteYes the doubling is both acknowledging the long road I feel like I have to get where I want to be as a musician, but also very often doubting whether I should even endeavor on it because I don't know if I would ever be good enough. When I ask myself, can I stop trying to play music and sing, the answer is most certainly no, so I am walking down a road that's difficult, but I have no choice if I want to discover who I really am, or what I can do. Its like I am in love with someone who I cant communicate with, and I must stick it out even though its hard. It's acknowledging how fear holds you back, and not only working to improve the voice or the fingers on the strings, but the internal burn of the fear I feel.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I go out and hear music in New Orleans, although I love it, its sometimes painful because I want to be active in it as well, but I get scared to sing, I feel shy sometimes. Unless I am dancing to the music,(which I am not shy about) I usually sit restless wanting to participate, but also not knowing how exactly, not having the money for lessons, (except the free ones from school) or instruments ( I borrow instruments) and also feeling inadequate by being surrounded by great musicians in this school and city. Sometimes you just want to be seen, and when you aren't it feels disabling.